ABSURD WAY TO LIFE

2012-02-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

About 2012,

1. I believe that we all are going to face 2012. Honestly, this is not what I have been looking for. This is not what I really wanted. I never, ever ever wanted to move on, move forward. If only I could go back and change everything, I would, but it's the fact that I can't. I'm not ready to face one of my biggest exam in my life. I'm not ready to face another obstacles in life. When it comes to new year, I will always get all moody and sad. It's just that, time really flies.

2. I'm not really sure if I can face another problems, another heartbreaks, another obstacles. I'm not sure if I'm really that strong. Everyone in the family is pressuring me(Half of them). I really don't want to disappoint them. They put high hopes on me and to be frank, I don't know if I can fulfill their hopes. It's just that the only thing that playing on my mind is "What if I didn't a real work that can stay longer?" I don't know.

3. 2011 has really been great to me. Though, they will always be heartbreaks, tears, pains and all. That is just life. You can't get rid of it, can you? To me, this year means a lot to me. I achieve my dream and still striving to get it, again. This year brings great memories to me. I have made my face get rid of pimples although they are still scratch marks, hey I actually getting much prettier now. All thanks to Mama :P The conclusion is, 2011 brings joy to me.

4. Nevertheless, I never doubt in 2012. I just hope you are much greater than 2011 and I promise to make this year, to be so much better than 2011 and 2010. May my wish be granted. InsyaAllah.

5. I have a boyfriend and I love him everyday x

2012-02-18T18:15:00.002+08:00

I'm not born to please YOU.

I swear upon my grave, nothing sucks more than being maligned for something you've never done nor had the slightest intention to do it. Nothing sucks more than being hated by a whole bunch of people that you've never even came across your entire life, for no apparent reason. Nothing's worst than crying yourself to bed every night because you just can't believe how insane and cruel this society has became.

Time and again, I've got people telling me how fortunate I am, how envious they are and how they wish they had my life. Seriously?! You must be mad.

On the surface to certain people, I seem like a bubbly, happy-go-lucky kinda girl that leads an awesome life. But behind all these smiles and laughter, placing aside the things you see... Maybe, you probably should think harder. I bet it'll be your greatest mistake which you'll gradually regret your whole life if you were in my position.

2012-02-10T19:18:00.001+08:00

These two things that I bought for her birthday, a cookies and cream cake and a perfume from the Body Shop. Well, it's my first time bought these kind of things to the person that I love so much. Glad that she love it. ^^ Seriously it's my first time. LOL.

All I wanna say that, I love her so much. Eventho I can't give her everything that she wants, but atleast I showed that I care for her birthday, bought her cake and a present and the most precious from me was "love" that no other people can give to her. I gave all my heart for her and I really have so much faith in her. And someday, I hope that we both can get married and live happily ever after.

I'd never felt regret being with her, like seriously. She's the one that I'm looking for and she's the one that I love so much and she's the one that I've got.

P/S : Dear, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME. I'LL NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU, WHATEVER OBSTACLES WE'RE HAVING THRU, I STILL NOT GONNA LEAVE YOU. <3

2012-02-09T19:28:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone. It's been a long time since I didn't blog, I wonder, how are you all doing? Fine or not? As for yours truly, I am not fine , at all. I've been sick lately. Probably why I got MC from yesterday untill tomorrow. So, yeah.

Anyways, the reason why I blog this is because I want to talk about my new favorite celebrity, well sorta celebrity. I bet you guys know him. He is the one and only Robert Cameron Mitchell from the glee project. Man, I really love him. He is just too sweet. He lets Damian McGinty won. I really love them both, prolly the reason why I see CDTV (Cameron Damian Television) all the time ! Anyways, this article catches my eyes o.o About Cameron Mitchell, I would search everything about him. His birthday is February 15, 1990! After valentines? Oh wow, that's why he's so romantic and cried when he 'kissed' Lindsay Pierce. HAHA! That's so sweet because he really loves the girl called Macy Marie Maloy. I would show you how they meet from his Twitter. Check his twitter out ;)

Aww, so sweet ! :D And and, he went out from glee saying he's not ready for the acting industries if it has to be all this kissing because he just know about Singing. He's a REAL musician. I betcha. Anyways, he won for Fan's Favourite! (: and got $10,000 dollars. And guess what? He's buying an apartment where he and Damian McGinty's gonna live. Aww, so sweet (:

2012-01-30T14:32:00.000+08:00

It's 30th of January already. Time goes so fast and I felt so glad that we make it almost 1 month by tonight, 31st January. And it's her birthday too, her 19th birthday. ^^ Bought something for her from the town yesterday and I can't wait to give it to her, I just hope that she likes it. :D

Had an argument with her this earlier. *sighs. And even last night. I feel sorry. Please forgive me, sayang. <3 I know I made such a foolish step, so please forgive me. I'm so sorry.

Tomorrow is our day, it's our first 1 month anniversary. Hope it goes well and happily no argument.

GOSH! I feels so wrong by asking a stupid question until I ruined her day. :/

I'm sorry, Haziqah. :( Happy Advanced Birthday and Happy 1 Month Anniversary.

I love you so much, sayang. Moga panjang umur, murah rezeki and may our relationship last longer. <3

2012-01-28T20:04:00.000+08:00

I have thought about it many times. There is a time for everything, and now is my time to heal. To grow strong and be whole in myself. Learn to live with myself, my scars and my memories. Learn how to always feel safe within and not let that one single frightened voice in my head (the ego) stop me from having an open heart and dare to love unlimited.

What has been, has been. What is now is now. The rest is still unwritten.

2012-01-28T19:49:00.000+08:00

I tried. I went to see other hoping to find better. To try to forget your kisses, the softness of your skin, your smell, your eyes, your face. But it became worse. And it hurts. And despite what you did to me, I can not hate you. I hate not being able to forget, but I can not help it if I still love you.

I miss you, AMS. and I love my boyfriend.

2012-01-16T22:40:00.000+08:00

2012 is a good start of our lives and its good for me too. I wanna start something like I've never reached before and never felt before. And this January, I've felt the things that I've never felt this past few days and yesterday. Learnt new things and solutions from my girlfriend, Azee. <3 This one girl that I loved so much. She's so perfect in my eyes and flawless in my heart.

It's been awhile that I haven't felt this happiness since June 2011. I know that we're young and we still have a long journey to live for, but to me, I wanna live my life to the fullest.

She (Azee) taught me how to go through in a relationship, we shared our problems, we shared our happiness, and most of all is our heart. Now, I don't have to worry so much because she taught me not to and she told me that she'd love me always.

I'll pray that our relationship will long last. I love you, Haziqah B KG Jailani.

-Q.Hibatullah

2012-01-16T19:17:00.000+08:00

It's pretty insane how it's coming to the end of the first two weeks of January 2012 in a few hours time, isn't it? Gosh, I've been so so so busy. School work have been driving me nuts, I'm so close to entering the Mental hospital already. Ok I'm just kidding!

I still have to find time to cope with my social networking life. :( I'm so afraid all the efforts I put over the past two months back in 2011 on my blog would go in vain... If I start to neglect it like how I did last year.

Honestly, I really LOVE my life a lot now. It's like I feel like everything is nearly perfect. I've met a whole bunch of awesome friends, my family are doting me like mad, my work and studies are slightly better and all. Which makes me more fearful that once I reach the top, everything will just hit rock bottom AGAIN. Nooooooooo, good things don't last!

Yeah, I'm actually very pessimistic about my life and not as strong as I appear to be. I'm just constantly trying to remind myself that good things will only come to those people who has the bravery to think far, and take risks to pursue your dreams. Not just sit there and worry about the world coming to an end and shit.

So work on your future! Stop sitting there and waiting for miracles to happen. Cos chances are, you're just gonna rot your life away and regret later. By then it's too late.

"Worrying is stupid. It's like carrying an umbrella waiting for it to rain."

2012-01-14T00:28:00.001+08:00

I'm so sorry. :( I really didnt mean it. -Q.hibatullah

2012-01-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

My birthday is on Tuesday, the 31st. I am one of those rare people who love to celebrate my birthday. I love it. I’m a birthday ho. Please, by all means, drop me a line and wish me the very best. Or I’ll weep. This are only few of my wish list just for myself since it is my birthday. Here are some of it:

* iPhone4s

* Dress/T-shirt
* A break from stress (LOL)
* Ipod
* A makeover (LOL)
* Shoes/Wedges

* Ticket to Bora-Bora/Singapore

* Pet : Owl :D

2011-12-22T05:30:00.000+08:00

I can’t get the hang of this. I’ve been typing and erasing and can’t decide how to write so I don’t know how it will turn out. My story is confusing, especially to me. You see, everything we’ve been through, it’s so baffling, intertwined and complexly stretched out that I can’t even put it into words. You know what they say about realizing what you have only when you lose it? That’s exactly what happened.

I am sad that we had such a short time together, two weeks to two month tops. I don't remember anymore, it feels like it was such a long time ago. I don't even know if I wanted it to be anything more, it was just fun at the time being and now I know for sure I wouldn't want to change the way it all ended up, because now I can think about this as for what it is - a good memory. All in all, it was a quick thing, too quick for us to properly adjust to each other. The worst part is that despite everything, we had a whole lot of 'moments' and little sweet memories that keep haunting me. We used to see a lot of each other so it was painful. There was no way I could move on, especially me being so overwhelmed with his presence. Sometimes one of us made a move. We ignored each other- I don’t know why. We would then get mad with each other and that made everything worse. Cowards and bloody idiots, right?

2011-12-22T03:16:00.001+08:00

"WAllaahu bi kulli shay inn 'aleem" - And Allah is the All-Knower of everything.

I pray is better than I wish. My patience and strength will continue to be tested and made stronger Alhamdulillah and InshAllah.

2011-12-22T02:48:00.005+08:00

I thought I was over you, but I'm not. I really wish you'll somehow come back like we used to and look me in the heart and tell me you won’t go, you won't let me to be someone else and you won't her! Look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love. Look me in the heart and un-break the broken, that it won’t happened ever again, B U T I T H A P P E N E D ! I never did stop loving you, N E V E R ! To keep you out of my mind, to stop thinking of you even for a minute. I had to find something to distract myself. And it's not even fair, while you can have your fun there, while I'm suffering it. I've come to realization of a lot of things and you are going to try and hurt me. No matter how much love and goodness I've done to you, you'll still hurt me. I wanna apologize but I just can't. You don't even understand how much you hurt me in the first place. The stupid thing is, after all the hurt you've put me through, if I had that one more chance to be yours again, I don't know, I'm scared to give you 100% percent. What I unexpected and disappointed, you said " I have a feeling on someone else and I'm forcing my feeling to be with you". I don't know if I'm lucky that I love you. Sometimes you mess up my heart to such extent that I don't know if it can stay unharmed for long.

SIGH SIGH SIGH BIG SIGH! I can't seem to fall asleep is because my whole left arm bones are aching like mad. And it's not stopping, its trying to kill me. :( I just wanna cry everything out. So I wonder, when you walk down the road you took when you left, will you ever stop dead in your tracks and want to run back to me? Will sorrow fill you up and tip you over and have you trying to wipe away all the sadness that has filled you up? Will you miss me and my pure love, my golden heart? Will you come back and snuggle next to me, your spot is as empty as ever since you left. More importantly, in your heart - was that the best choice you made? To leave someone who loves you, because truth be told, I still yearn for you. And I don't know if my heart will remain in the same spot you dropped it at. Will you be afraid when someone else has picked it up?

I WROTE WHAT I FEEL ON YOU - AMS ,

Why can’t I stop thinking about you? It was such a mistake. All of it, an all-consuming error in judgment that had me captivated and mesmerized by the situation. A good girl to the core, this was far beyond the everyday workings of such a responsible and trustworthy person like myself. When I was with you, I occasionally find myself in dark places (shocking, I know) and you, yes you, just by choosing to spend time with my words have been the light that’s drawn me out of those places. And Yes, When I need you baby, everything stops. Finally you put my love on top! In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me, because you see, I fell in love with you, always with a feeling, deep down, that there was very little chance of my ever being with you for that always. Definition of insanity, I guess, but holding true the adage that to love and win is the best thing; to love and lose, the next best – because at least I loved you with a love unsurpassed and never to be duplicated, completely and totally and unconditionally and without limits and with a depth that not even poets have been able to capture or even describe.

I fell in love with the way you held me tight. I fell in love with the way you'd kiss the back of my hand as you held it. I fell in love with the way your whispered, "I love you" in my ear, the way your breath felt against my neck as we cuddled, the way your lips felt when we kissed, who he was. I fell in love with the way you've let me sleep against your shoulder. I got used to you, used to everything. I fell deeply in love with, I dove deeply.

I didn't even notice how I fell in love with you. With every part of you. I fell in love with your brown eyes and your crooked smile. I love you so bad that I can't think of you without crying. It's like my heart is exploding and screaming your name. Over and over again. I love you so much that I would donate my kidney to you. Because a life without you is no love. Without you, my dearest,my love...there's no me and I would be different. You're the brightest of all. The sweetest of all. And still I'm waiting, craving for the moment you ask me to marry you. I guess that's all I ever want. Marry you, share the same life, same bed, same house. To share with you is all I ever want to do. But even if the day won't come, and you find love in someone else... please know that you're the bluest sky. Maybe God has other plans for both of us. Still I pray, each day, for us to get together someday.

I wish you happiness. I wish you joy. I wish you grace. I hope that your life leaves you filled to overflowing with all that you had hoped - surpassing your every expectation. There is a wonderful benediction that goes something like “my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, a hearth constantly warmed by family and friends, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.” I do wish all those things for you.

I will miss telling you what you mean to me, which is nothing less than what you mean to the world. I will miss finding new and wonderful ways to express my every feeling, which are numerous and deep and consuming. I will miss telling you how beautiful and amazing and intelligent and bright and gorgeous and lovely and sensual you are. I will miss describing the wonderment that is every one of your special places – and experiencing each of them inch by inch, touch by touch, kiss by kiss, for a lifetime.

P/S No matter what, I will always love you. And while I will always hope, and pray and wish for the day when you come to me and say “I am yours, all yours, for always,” I will also just pray for a day when I won’t need you so badly every minute of every day and every second in between. You are a love, beyond love, and you will always have my whole entire heart. I love you and can never fully repay you for that. I’ll collect the pieces of my heart and try to glue it together again. Although still praying, hoping, for a miracle. For me to be brave, or you to take in the obvious.

2011-12-18T02:50:00.004+08:00

Dear AMS,

Like I mentioned previously, I really had a strong affection towards him, and I felt really insecure about our relationship so I was naive enough to think that this would prolly sustain his love for me. Well, ostensibly I was wrong about having that thought... As we only lasted for one month plus.

Only know how I feel. Before I go to sleep, I imagine you're by my side.
I really miss you, do you feel the same way too? Or I've already been erased from your mind ages ago? It's killing me, this agony that can never be eased. Watching time elapse, every second, every minute, I'm still waiting for that ray of hope, The hope that you'll come around. Forget the fact that it's only 170hours 56mins 10seconds as it seems like it would take me forever to have you erased from my heart, my brain, my soul. What disheartens me the most is having to wait with bated breath to be able to find out the truth, the ugly truth disguised behind what's beautiful on the surface. I'm on tenterhooks about what the near future might result to be... I'll do anything, but please don't tell me it's over.

At last, the answer is out. I'm lost for words, everything's hidden tightly, close to my heart, I wish I could spill everything out instead of bottling it up but I know, nothing would ever bring you back in my arms again. I've been an idiot thrice. Advices given, choices made. I should hate you, but I love you more than I could ever hate you. All the words you laid, they were just pieces of lies and empty promises. I'm naive enough to have never doubted what you said. So many sleepless nights, all the reminiscences of you and I running through my head, I thought you would change, I thought I could be different, but those are just thoughts that kept me pondering through the days. So after all, I'm just one of those girls which you've put tears on the face. I've made a grave mistake, but I've never regretted for the path I've chosen. I'm aware, I should reap what I sow. The thing that's refraining me from letting go is all your contradictions.

Perhaps I should get a rope, a rope to keep me hanging in the air to prevent me from falling. Hopefully it's impregnable to brace all the obstacles that comes by, otherwise it would still snap eventually and I'll still have to face the pain from "falling flat on my ass" Well, but one thing, I've to show my gratitude and appreciation to those who care whenever I hit my rock bottom. Sometimes, I'm so thankful to realize how beautiful some people are deep down their hearts.

Sad to say, I didn't sleep well nor did I eat well. I still feel weak, and I still need him. All I do is PRAY and wait for his decision.

xx

2011-12-15T23:53:00.001+08:00

It's really sucks how after everything. He is still the one I want. No matter how many days he doesn't talk to me. No matter how long I don't get to see him. He is the only one.

2011-12-15T23:39:00.003+08:00

Everybody hurts.

People leaves you out. For some reason, your clique just goes out without calling you along and sadly, that's not the end of the story. The next meet up, they all start engaging in conversations that you can never ever be a part of, you're lacked behind. No matter how hard you try to say something, you're ignored perpetually. And your existence slowly fades away; Upset. Rejected. Angry. Disappointed.

You know you've tried, you've once tried staying in someone's life so bad that it makes you feel like some pathetic despo...... But it just seem like, your efforts always ends up going to waste. It's always in vain. Because regardless of how much you've tried, you just end up feeling like the white shitty crayon between all the beautiful colours... Nobody wants, nobody cares, nobody even bother to give their least attention to. Have you? Have you felt it? I did. And it officially SUCKS! To the core and beyond~

Apparently I believe that no one likes to incessantly put in the effort to stay in someone's life. No one likes to be an option. No one likes to be remembered as someone's entertainment, "Hey hi haven't spoken for quite awhile." "Yea, what made you remember me all of a sudden." "Nothing, bored." GOD, It's like waaaaadafuaaaack!

2011-12-09T01:16:00.000+08:00

I'm in such an annoyed mood. Feel like I'm living a double life. When a good thing goes bad it's not the end of the world, it's just the end of a world that you had with one. But we sure make it feel like we're together because we're scared to see each other with somebody else.

AMS, wish you know how I feel<3

2011-12-07T21:24:00.000+08:00

It hurts when I start to think of how many people had already walked out of my life, how things changed and how many of it was your fault. Sometimes, I acts like I doesn't care, fine, happy, moving on. When deep inside, I'm hurting and my heart's breaking. I wish we could talk again. I wish I could see you again. I wish you could hug me again. I wish you were mine again. I wish, it never ended.

2011-10-28T16:32:00.002+08:00

HI GUYS! I'm finally back after a month or so, sorry for the lack of updates. I have been pretty busy over school work and some other personal stuff. And, Yes, I'm tired. Tired of drama. Tired of fake friends. Tired of being hated. Tired of rumours. Tired of love. Tired of everything that fucks me up so badly and it's starting to turn really dreadful. Apparently, it seems like I'm just tired of life.

In life, everyone come and go. NO ONE is ever gonna stay with you, forever. In fact, the word "forever" doesn't exist in my dictionary anymore. I used to think that there was such a thing as eternity, not anymore, after being let down by this crap promise time and again.

Most people's life (which includes mine), are treated like a hotel. Sorry I'm not talking rot but this is true, Yes, People gets attracted to you, stayed a little while, create memories.... Soon, they get bored and... BAM!* leaving you to clean up all the mess ALONE. And yea, this damn cycle just repeats itself all the time. Fucked up ain't it!

I just wanted a guy I could rely on. Seriously, on the surface everyone "envies" or think how fortunate I am to have so many friends, but to be honest, I don't think I have a single friend that I could depend on.

In fact, most of the time I'm on my own. Really! I broke down so many times, my fingers and toes could barely count them all... I questioned myself, reflected on what I've done wrong. Am I really not worth mixing with? Sometimes I really wish I've never existed*POP CHAMPAGNE, SET FIREWORKS.*

The reason why I chose to write this entry today, to allow every single one of you reading, to at least comprehend a little of my tragic story. No, I'm definitely not trying to gain sympathy here. My life isn't as great as what you guys think, nor is worse than any of the less fortunate. I still count myself as one of the lucky ones and I appreciate myself for who I am. And deep down my heart I know that I've my awesome best friends, lovely family and friends ♥ So after all, it doesn't really matter much if this is gonna ruin my image severely or whatsoever.

xx

2011-09-15T00:07:00.005+08:00

MOST LOVED AND LOST

I'm in a really fucking bad mood right now, so please please and please never ever "cuba mencabar kesabaran saya" , The point is, I have lost one most-loved things in my life.

2011-09-14T23:37:00.002+08:00

IF ONLY YOU KNEW,

I really am the type who doesn't really care much. No matter how much I hurt inside, I'll never go, I'll always stay. Unless if something suddenly crossed and make me fell apart, very disappointed. Just like how I am feeling right now. I'm really not the type who would give up easily. If I love someone, I will keep on loving him even if he love another girl. I don't really mind that. As long as I love him, I will always love him. As long as he's happy with his life, I'm okay with that. I'm always okay. I can smile, I can laugh, I can do everything while crying inside. I may look happy, I may be laughing my ass out, but deep deep in my heart, I'm crying. My heart is always full of tears. But nevermind that, time will help. It will slowly cure by itself. I may stop crying later when I'm out of tears. Nevermind that, no one should care about that. I can take care of it by myself. I'm matured enough now, I can stand alone. I can live alone. Loving someone is enough for me. I don't need to be loved. I don't need a reply. It's alright. I may get bored later. Yes, I do hang out with my boy friends. But that doesn't mean I love them. But Hey, I only love a guy out of million guys in the whole wide world. I may be very quiet when I am with him, I'm afraid that my words might hurt him. So I prefer to be an un-notice-able. I don't mind it all :').

But sometimes, I do need a shoulder, I do need a hug, I do need someone to be clinging to, to be crying to, to be telling all my problems and stories to. I do have my friends, but I'm afraid that I might annoy them, somehow.. somehow, they already have their own load of problems. So I prefer to be quiet but it's alright.

Dear you, one day you'll know how much I love you. You may find my replacement, an A++ one. There, full stop. Eh but let me tell you something, I still-am-so freaking in love with you and I hope you're okay with that! I still hope that we'll back together again if it's not impossible but nevermind that.

2011-08-24T13:30:00.003+08:00

Often I couldn't type anything out the words weren't good enough, and I would inevitably leave it off. To say the least, everything I wanted to say wasn't really a mystery, I felt like I had nothing new to offer. Well, You've moved on now and that girl - well, she's just amazing. Her silky black hair, her smile, her wonderful heart and the named is A L A Y, YES? You really did better second time around, didn't you? But I'm not mad, I'm mad at myself. Somewhere deep down in the shallow pits of my heart, I've wanted to confess this to you for so long now. You, I still love you and Please don't ever forget what we had. Please don't forget me. Please.

2011-08-23T20:28:00.003+08:00

My mind is stronger than my heart

You know, it doesn't even matter whether you publish this on your blog or not. I just need someone out there to know my story, even though that someone has no clue who I am. I am so frustrated with myself, with my behavior and my attitude. So I ended the relationship with him last Sunday. I want that boy to know that I loved him so much that it hurts. That I want him to experience a relationship with a girl who isn't so self destructive. I want him to be happy. But most of all, I WANT HIM BACK.

2011-08-22T11:14:00.005+08:00

Dear Faliq Christopher,

Since we meet, when you entered my life, you made it amazing. I love you with all my heart. Here is just the beginning, I love you because you make me feel like the most lucky person on this earth and when we have a problem, we always find a solution to it. You always make me feel better and we have so much in common together. I wish I knew what i wanted to say, and it's not even that I have nothing to say, it's just my head is currently such a busy, crowded street with feelings and emotions bouncing off of each other.

I don't know what happened to us. It's like being in a car, driving down hill, and having the breaks go out. You just want it to stop, you want everything to be okay, you want to make it out alive but with the way things are going, it just doesn't seem like such a hopeful situation. But at this point it doesn't even matter because truthfully, I already feel dead without you.

You were sixteen with a good heart, a contagious laugh and having never even come close to having one. I was healing with little to no hope in love, but you opened me back up and helped pick up the pieces. You were new and sweet and naive and just wonderful. I fell so in love with you, so easily. Your smile helped with that. I had never seen such a beautiful smile, and when you smiled my whole world just lit up. I miss that smile, I haven't seen it in quite some time now. We were just perfect together. I miss us, I miss us so much.

But somehow, at some point, everything just started to fall apart. And now those old memories are like walking past where happy thoughts and love used to dwell, and now it's just an old abandoned house with weeds and broken windows and an empty, hollow, sad inside. It absolutely started the day I had to go away to school. Distance kills love. I truly believe that. And especially with us just starting out. We had a month to hold on to each other before I had to be away from you, and i warned you that this would be hard, that it would ruin us, but we blindly took that leap together, ignoring every warning sign. We tried. We tried so hard but come August, things were so bad - which we thought would save us and just broke us down even further. The insecurities and exhaustion from the distance carried over, the little fights began, then you started to give up ever so slowly. You started to emotionally pull yourself out of the relationship until I was basically alone. I felt like I was in love with a ghost.

I wanted you to fight for me instead of with me. But you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone fight for you. I'm not perfect, I had my flaws, but i never gave up. It wasn't much longer after that you wanted space, and then you started saying you were confused, and then you wanted to leave. We sat outside my house last night, the rain falling down just for us, and you cried and cried and cried, and I cried. I'll never understand how someone can leave someone, but be sad about it. If it hurts you to leave someone, why can't you just stay and put effort in the relationship? I don't understand it, probably because I've never been one to give up on love no matter how many times love wants to give up on me. I just can't. Once you have my heart, you have my heart and I'd do anything to keep that heart with you.

But no matter how many times you tell me you can't do this anymore and trying to convince you that this will get better, that we can make it, because i have hope and sometimes that's all you really need. Call me crazy, or pathetic, or stupid, I am all of the above, but I can't let go, I just can't. I just want everything to be okay, I just want us to work out, I just want you.

P/s : I love you as always and most of all you've given me memories I could never forget. Now I'm alone in love. I tell myself, I'll be okay and I always remember you <3

2011-08-22T10:33:00.002+08:00

You're loved. Never forget that.

I didn’t know how to tell him. Imma tell him that he was the only boy in the world that could make me feel so happy and sad at the same time, tell him how lost I feel when he’s not around, how jealous I get when I’m with him that I swear I could hurt somebody. Tell him that I’m so in love with him and the love we shared, so happy that he was the one I woke up to everyday, even though he snores fucking loud sometime. Tell him that when he talks my whole body shivers, how when he kisses me I forget to breath sometimes, how I feel like a little girl when he puts my hair behind my ears, even though I hate how I look with my hair like that. I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t understand why he loved me. So I simply replied:
‘’Because I love you’’

2011-08-21T12:54:00.002+08:00

I randomly burst out crying a lot, and when I start crying, I can't stop. A lot of good memories just rush into my head ):

2011-08-20T04:18:00.002+08:00

"I could live life alone, I could live without dreams, I could live without a lot of things but I know I couldn't face my life tomorrow without your hope in my heart. I can't live a day without you, You're the heart beat of all I do. I don't want to live without your loving arms to hold me but God, I live because you live. You're like the air I breathe, You're everything to me."

P/S : I Love You, Faliq Christopher

2011-08-01T21:07:00.008+08:00

I write what I feel and I say what I mean here

I need you to understand something. I still love you, I do. I don’t know what I’m doing, or why I’m doing this. Are you really worth it? I’m ruining my reputation, and Your mom are hating me. The scary thing is, I think I really falling in love with you but you aren’t even mine. I'm just one of many, You’re my only one but I’m your one of 100. This is killing me and I dream about you every night, then wake up to this shitty reality. Every time I read you name, hear it, think about you, hear your voice, see your picture or hug you, I get butterflies. All I did was love you and all you did was question my fidelity to you. I find it hard every time we talk, not to tell you I still love you. I just wish you would have loved me enough that distance would not matter. I never thought about being with another boy and I still only think about you. All my feelings for you rushed back, I don't wish for us to get back together again, but I wish we were at least friends so I don't have to bear all this pain anymore about your mother and your friends ):

I don’t realise how difficult this actually is until I sit and think about it. I have no idea how I cope with with the situation. Nobody fully understands what I have to go through, but neither do you because it’s all alright for you. Not completely alright, but you don’t find it as difficult as I do. Not even close. But I really wish you did, because then you’d experience the hell and the heartache and maybe even understand. And, Every secret makes me more scared that I have typed it. I love you crazy amounts, I mean it when I say forever and always. I hope you still feel the same and I really do. It kills me to know you might not love me as much as you did.

They will never understand why I can’t move on because You're the only one I ever wanted to be with my whole life since then :( I hope that somewhere, deep inside of you, I’m still your number one.

2011-07-23T18:03:00.003+08:00

MY FAVORITE BOY

My guy who I can wished to paused the time when we are together. Love is filled with ups and downs and here, we are still together as one.

P/s : I LOVE YOU and I'm scared that if someone takes your attention, then you'll ignore me ):

2011-04-24T12:26:00.002+08:00

It's a quiet Sunday afternoon,
I'm sitting at my computer amongst piles of used tissue, glasses of water & lemon tea bottle. Life is grand and I'm relishing in it. I know that things change inevitably for the worse and for the better, so every time I hit a sweet spot, I like to really recognize and enjoy it. I like to feel it. I'm looking forward to what's to come. All the little things in my life are making me very happy, and that's really all that matters. That's really all I can ask for.

I was listening to "seems like yesterday", and I love the lyrics!

SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY

It seems like yesterday

that we were running around, not caring about anything

Not a care in the world to worry about

just drowning it out and singing to this song

I don't think that I can deal with that

Saying goodbye to all the friends I've had

Let it rain

Wash my memory away

Pounding it down, with the sound

I'm okay

Just need a lobotomy,

cause I can't deal with the feelings that I feel

Today's another day where time will not stand still

But I'm okay, if you ask me

Do you remember

how we would find anything, do anything cause we were bored?

But not anymore

How long has it been since I've seen you?

I've been missing those times, singing these rhymes without you

and wishing my wishes would come true

And I don't think that I can deal with that

Saying goodbye to all the times we've had

Let it rain

Wash my memory away

Pounding it down, with the sound

I'm okay

Just need a lobotomy,

cause I can't deal with the feelings that I feel

Today's another day where time will not stand still

But I'm okay, if you ask me

They say, they say it's just a phase

Guess I'll be living it for the rest of these days

And they say, they say it just won't last

But you see, I'm not giving in

I won't forget my past

I'll try to make it last, try to make it last

And if I can't...

Let it rain, let it rain...

Today's another day where time will not stand still

But I'm okay, if you ask me

xx

2011-04-22T01:03:00.006+08:00

Now I'm just like the heart broken girl but I'm okay or acting like an okay! And I don't want to give a shit but thinking that deeply for a person that I really love so max, just now frankly saying that he didn't have any feelings towards me! Goshhhhhhhhhhh how heart broken I am. I'm to much heart broken to hear his words as I'm so into him but,I cant force him. I don't wanna think about it. I need to chill on and keep on looking forward and lets see what will happen. I don't know for they would be my another fucking doom love story. I extremely feeling loved and thought that he's feel the same too. Unfortunately not! I know that this could be happened to me, and I know every time I met him, He'll be different after that. What I want now is, just let it be and just go with it. I'm too much tired with this love life story. I think he's just playing me and I'm tired with the men's games! That is not what I want from him. I want a happiness and him. Before, I've forgotten about him for awhile and yet whenever he's no longer in my mind. Then, He came back and we texted at "whatsup" and that feeling comes again. Goshh how I regret that I'm giving him the second chance and this is what i get-broken my heart into pieces.

This thing is my worst fear ever!

2011-04-11T15:14:00.001+08:00

I am totally not looking forward to tomorrow.
Why can't I just stay home and not deal with little children. I am so over being sick. Now if only this headache and fever would leave me, I would be all better )-:

2011-04-01T15:20:00.004+08:00

I’ve been taking a much longer blogging hiatus than I anticipated. At this point, I had the idea to simply stop blogging altogether. But then I remembered that the reason I started this blog in the first place was so that I could keep these memories for myself. Oh Yeah, Crazy thing happened last night! I went out at 11 Pm to H.Hotel with Kaca, Suseh & Ciceh and came back home at 5 55 Am D: Lets see our photo(s) here! (-:

2011-03-28T17:34:00.005+08:00

ONE OF THE HARDEST DECISION OF LIFE IS WHETHER TO WALK AWAY OR TRY EVEN HARDER.

I am just updating my blog after a long time busy with my work, life n the kids, Sorry for that. Yeah I wanna tell something that regarding a man in my life. Well I like him and I've no idea if he likes me too or not. It's all from facebook that we use to known each other. From inbox-ing until to messaging phone to phone,and at the very beginning I just consider him as a friend then lastly i fall to him owing to every morning and night we always said in the text "hi goodnight. Hi good morning. xx" and not only that. I kinda feel that he's my Mr.Right.. He's so very wide different from other man i know. I never tell my best friends about him as I don't want them to know first. In addition I'm lazy to talk about him infront of them.

Alright, Here the story is. I met him last Friday night and there is something happened between us. After he send me home, the next day everything's changing. Everything has change and it's not the same as we used to be. Just because of one problem, everything has change in a second like I'm in the other side of world. So now I'm pretending that I'm okay and wont think about anything else. I'm just letting it go with what I've faced this lately. Yes I still like him but I'm trying to ignore him. I don't want him to think that I'm so over about him and this should be enough that I've hurted twicely.

I don't want this to be happen like before, Once I got a crush, In the end, turns out that he's texting with other girl besides me in his phone. I could still remember the dates. At that time when celebrating his and my best friend at hotel.. So...... It's fine uh-huh. Just go with the flow and go with it.

But, Now I'm confuse and I want a new life. I'm still hiding about this from my best friends. Even I try harder I don't think it will work. I've been single for almost 15 months and I want someone to love me for who I am. And so be that someone can change me. Since I'm not in any relationships, that is why I'm always hanging around and always chill out with my best friends because no one could control me but I needed like seriously.

2011-03-13T16:01:00.001+08:00

I avoid you, erase you. You show up and so do my feelings. #iwish you stayed away.

#truth is, I miss you ♥ now, if only I had the guts to actually tell you
#truth: I'm trying really hard to forget you
#truth: It's not working out

2011-03-07T00:35:00.004+08:00

Just so you know, Everything was really like shit! I used to be close with friends(especially boys), god, that's pure shit. This year is way different. I've changed & became more aware of things. I am friends with the right people NOT THE WRONG PEOPLE. I learned to stay true to myself & people around me.

" We make mistakes sometimes and It's normal. But, Never apologize for saying what you feel. That's like saying sorry for being real" - MARYJI

2011-03-05T17:35:00.004+08:00

WE'LL GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS AND I WILL BE OKAY.

P/S: You deserve nothing!

2011-02-27T19:01:00.003+08:00

Last night, we were going to BACKYARD PIT PART TWO somewhere around Lumut. Let see our photo(s) ,

2011-02-25T11:36:00.007+08:00

I don’t know what it is, I just cry sometimes. Maybe I’m too oblivious to the things going on around me, that I don’t realize that I’m hurting as much as I am, so when the tears stream down my face, and I don’t have anything to say, don’t ask me why I’m crying. Because I simply don’t know. You still have the power to ruin my entire day but I have a feeling that’s just how it’s gonna be for a while. I know I need to move on and I just don’t know if I can. I’m not strong enough to move away from the one amazing person that’s been on my mind for so long.

Just hold me. I just want to be held.

2011-02-23T02:24:00.002+08:00

YOU ARE THE BEST AND WORSE THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME

We spoke, we held on a conversation, we laughed. I don''t know what to think. After many months of pain and tears, you made me laugh last week. Is this possible? You would constantly look at me, even though it wasn't just us but also a group of other kids. I don't understand. My best friend thinks that you want to talk to me, the same as she thinks I want to also. But we are just to stubborn too. They thinks we should get close again, while they thinks that we should just go out because we look to darn cute together. Here’s the thing. You broke me last month, and I don't want to let it happen again for this month/this year. You caused me to have my guard up. You made me think differently of guys. Sadly, I just don't think your worth it anymore. From what I have been through with you, why should I let myself suffer once again. I will see how fate will lead us. Just one day of finally communicating does not eliminate what you did. I am no longer hoping that something may happen between us. I will not try. But you can.

2011-01-09T03:23:00.003+08:00

AZEE'S INSIDES

You know what i think?

I'm still young and I'M GOING TO BE 18!

Awh come on, live life to the fullest. My life has been so fucked up this days - so fucking fucked up i tell you. I am so stress thinking about it until i fall sick. Yes it affect me that bad, you know guys ): SIGHS I don't even have the mood to talk to anyone. I know I'm talking crap but fuck it. I don't know what the fuck has been going on in my world over there. I'd probably missed out a lot of fucking things.

2011-01-06T18:09:00.002+08:00

Things have been okay for like a day or so. Smooth sailing and not much fighting. We'll never know when it'll happen again but i really hope it doesn't occur soon. I know its sort of hard but we can do this! I hope you accept my biggest and sincerest apology for the times when i always get annoyed easily and others like that. Easy said, I'm very very sorry my dear. I'll try not to be so silly anymore. You're my always & forever.

2011-01-02T23:42:00.008+08:00

Hello January!

As I promise them that I will update so here I am updating :D Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE UH-AH & 2010's over and 2011 is a brand new year so start afresh! Did u guys had a blast last Friday? I SURE DID! L O L. For memory sake, here's some pictures :D

(Asma Hotel & Polo club)

2010-12-30T12:45:00.002+08:00

It’s only been a day since I met you but I miss you already and I still cant stop thinking about our first date. It was awkward and clumsy and we didn’t have much to say.

I stared into your eyes and I literally got lost in your gaze while we were talking. For a while there it seemed like all you did was to move your mouth without breathing a word. Nothing you said was going into my head because i was so enamored with how cute you are. Your face - Your face!

I don’t know where this is going. I haven’t the slightest clue about the real you but I like you with such vibrato with such intensity that its scaring me. Maybe all the unused feelings I had for the past year of being alone has been poured into you simply because there isn’t any other outlet. But that’s just me being logical. Being logical about feelings that are so illogical and I laugh at myself because I find the entire concept of falling head over heels utter nonsense. It’s ridiculous. And you keep smiling. You smile and for the duration prior, during and after its like the world's a better place just because your lips curved. I don’t know why but somehow you're the answer to stagnation in my life right now. Nothing is going on. I’m just going through the motions and in a way you've given me reason to look forward to tomorrow again. It scares me that I like you so much even though I barely know you.

2010-12-28T23:49:00.005+08:00

Today I am suppose to be a happy girl but it turns out that IM NOT :( He is the sweetest guy when you get to know him but tonight as I looked at him from across the room while hanging out with some friends, I realized that he didn't like me.

All I'm afford to say now is, I really miss you :/

2010-12-27T23:46:00.003+08:00

Hello Earthlings!

Yes I'm updating right now. I know, I've been really lazy. So anyway, this few days, it has been awesome with Afiqah, Aqilah & Haziqah R. It doesn't matter where we go, where we hang out at. All that matters is they never fail to put a smile on my face with each and every nonsensical behavior, its unbearable but to laugh. Thanks for that. On the other hand, I miss my other friends! And You girls/guys should know who you are. :D However, I've been through a lot this year, and when i say a lot, IT'S DAMN A LOT! But look at what had happened throughout. It was tough going through all the obstacles and be able to still stand strong and face the other challenges that are coming my way. I know many people would have say, by now, that 2011 will be fucking awesome than 2010 . Here's the fact, 2011 will remain the same like any other years if you don't make your dreams happen. I'm not trying to say that don't say things like '2011 will be better than 2010', no. I'm just saying that all of you should make a change in life in a new year. No matter what, all of u will miss 2010, YES?

Things changed a lot. I would lie if I were to say I don't regret anything. Now, i shall list all of my regrets.

#1 didn't sort out my resolutions properly

#2 fall in love too hard

#3 didn't save money for important stuff

#4 didn't study hard enough for O level

Well, obviously these are the major ones. There are a lot of it ok. Anyway, It's getting late. Shall tuck in now. Goodnight!

2010-12-27T14:05:00.010+08:00

This coming 1st January 2011, I have an invitation from my dad's best friend, where the venue is at polo club. There would be have a party and so having the bands. I want to bring a partner as my best friends do bring their own partners. I've my own choice somehow he has a girlfriend for the 'moment. That's make me not so sure if he is willing to be as my partner. I felt guilty anyway, and never played in my mind to disturb his relationship. Initially, I'm craving to bring him along as partner before he is in a relationship. So now what? It's all turn out that he has a girlfriend by this moment? so sad thou, sighs. Too little too late, huh? I like him and I'm late to tell him the truth, my feelings towards him. He never ask me about my feelings. and I was waited for the chance for him to tell me first. And now it's turn to a mess... so mess heart feeling! For a year I'm being single, I never had a cry for any creatures, but this man, he soften my heart n make me cry. Now he has his own girlfriend, without telling me. I'm so speechless and so confuse for what you should do by now. --- Actually, I wanted to post this blog last Friday. Somehow, on that day I was in Limbang, staying at my uncle's house with no wireless at all until Saturday. In addition, I was running out of credit at that time due to expiracy date license.

And Guess what, he has broken up with his girlfriend and I knew this would be an opportunity for me to invite him as my partner for the party . But, I'm not so sure if he wants too as he is facing a hard moment by now. I'm afraid if he has no mood and still upset. So for the rest time, I'm waiting for the right time and the right answer from him.

2010-12-20T13:57:00.010+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO AFIQAH RAHMAN BEE♥

Whatever we have been through, be it good or bad, You are such a good friend and such a sweetheart. Thanks for being patient with me (my temper), thanks for trying your best to control me but it failed. Haha :P Thanks for making me happy in any way. Thanks for being a good friend who can entertain my craps. Thanks for helping me about this and that, thanks for being there for me when I need someone, thanks for understanding me, thanks for treating me this & that. Most importantly, thanks for being a true friend to me! I love you oh so much. Really, even tho I don't quite say it but deep in my heart there's always you Aria, Emily(Haziqah Rahman), Spencer(Aqilah Rahim), Jenna(Bazy), Fyee, Pelik and also of course you know who. HAHAHA. I know I talk a lot, I write a lot and I also type a lot. I LOVE IT WHEN IT COMES TO SPEECHES! Okay ARB, I shall stop here, because kan I have said a lot. Lastly this is very important for you to know & remember forever & ever :D With love, Hanna J ♥

2010-12-15T16:18:00.003+08:00

I wished I was like a bird, right now out to fly around the world just alone. I felt so stressed, so depressed over so many things. I felt like as if I'm in a cage locked. I realized I wasn't any perfect as you think I can be. I can't satisfy with everything you want me to be, I can't. I'm tired and sick of life. Put yourself into my shoes, seriously. Tired of this and that, tired of everything.

Words appear in my head:
"In some place in the world right now, someone is fucked up. and that's me"

make it stop. make it stop. make it stop. make it stop. make it stop. Thinking dark, bitter thoughts, full of bad and burny feelings. Just take a breath and make it stop.
LIFE IS FULL OF SUPRISES, ISNT IT?

2010-12-15T02:35:00.010+08:00

I'm hoping that eventually my tendency towards destruction will destroy itself instead of everything else.

Now its 4 05 am, I'm in my sister's room alone with the music, and lappy accompanying me. Well kinda nice being alone, and I haven't sleep yet. I have people trying to make me go and see someone who would shrink my brain, make me talk to them and make me seem crazy when i wasn't. I just felt things. That was all. Everyone felt things, don't they? Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Therapists and the whole lot of them all made a big deal out of nothing. And one thing, i'm not that dumb you fuckers. Maybe you people are. Right!

2010-12-14T23:59:00.005+08:00

Yesterday was unnecessary. Really! I didn't want to say anything because i was lazy to say anything about it cos I'd rather. and I think yesterday was confusing. It turned out to be nonsense. But-uh, never mind I'm gonna forget everything anyway. I expect too much from him, That's why I always seem to get let down. To be honest I ---- him , OKAY BIG SIGHS! Uh, But yeah its okay. We are just friend right? I get it :D I just wanna thanks Khairul Firdaus, Zaim Tajuddin, Aqilah Rahim and Haziqah Rahman a whole lot for yesterday. Everyone was puzzled and I was laughing madly of their jokes L O L! You guys were great with 5 thumbs up. I miss them already and too bad Khairul Firdaus wasn't around until this Thursday! Duh - Please irritate me when we meet because i wanna smack them so hard!:-P Love, Me.

2010-12-09T18:57:00.004+08:00

I feel that i'm not appreciated for everything I do. I'm not any pretty girl out there, I'm just a girl with so much flaws shown everywhere. I can't be perfect in any single thing i do, I'm a messy girl. I'm a wild and insane girl as you people thinks that I am. Sometimes do you actually know that i'm someone that trusts people so easily that it hurts me down alot when I found out the truth? Sometimes I'm just someone so naive to trust others. I wanna feel appreciated. After all, I'm someone's daughter someone's sister someone's classmate, someone's school mate, someone's friend. I'm tired of life being sick like this. It's irritating.

What a nice labour day holiday I had.
I hate this.

2010-12-08T16:01:00.009+08:00

The 30 days letter, I'm just gonna start off with one first,

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

My parents,

Definitely in my life, I didn't do good in almost everything that I can be. I'll never tend to try my best, i'll never believe in myself being a success. It's just plain laziness from me to be the best out of what I can be. My parents brought me up, especially my mum by hand. I'm just a spoilt child in a way I'll say,

I'm sorry daddy mummy, I've never done anything proud that I could be.
In studies, in life, in anything, everything I'm doing so bad to the negative, to the limits.
I'm sorry for not being the best daughter you can get, I'm sorry for not being the nicest, understanding daughter you could have.
I'm sorry that I've not always been a good child, I'm sorry that I've not always been as bright as my brother to let you guys be proud of me.

But you guys are the ones that i've always been loving, till now and forever.
Sometimes in life when i needed support, you guys gave me to the fullest. Just a fucking part of me that is a fool that leads me to give you guys disappointments.

I'm sorry, i've not been a good child.
I love you my mum and my dad.

2010-12-08T15:42:00.007+08:00

I'll promise to be on my, best. If i am given a good chance to change, if i am given a good chance again. I'll. I'll change every part of me, and be at my best that I could.

I just want someone, just one person, the person who would understand me the way people don’t, the one who stops you from doing the wrong thing, the one who would suffer more just to make us happy, the one who would die just to save you a meal, that someone who cherish the little moments that we had, the one person who knew me more than me myself, and most of all, I would like it if the person can live with me forever and after. It’ll be great. No doubt. And yes,I'M very lonely. seriously. I don't know how much longer i can face it. I cant end it cause i haven't even started. And looking at my girls having fun with their boyfriend/fling makes me jealous. I keep asking myself, whens my turn....... L O L L O L

2010-12-08T15:25:00.007+08:00

Fucked up - Most definitely

I'M BLEEDING ON THE INSIDE AND IT JUST HURTS CRYING EVERY NIGHT ISN'T REALLY VERY FUN(!) I'm sorry people but i really cant handle the pain anymore pretending that its alright ITS NOT its really not sometimes i really cant cope but when i want to cry i cant because i have to look strong but now i just cant handle its anymore releasing it on my blog was the only way sorry if you don't really like the post! I need to find myself a true friend. That's more than enough! fchagtydwartvefdwtredfwdwtedwdsvawdpid! :) There are some things that you are not aware of,they are actually just pretending too and do you know whats happening behind your back? DAA!

ANYWAY,were on talking terms already and everything's fine now, we forgive and forget everything already. SO, lets not make history repeat itself. and if i have hurt you ,I'm sorry. to ME, your still my best friend.

- ( Gosh, I ATTEMPTED to post this blog last week, but failed miserably. )

2010-12-08T15:22:00.003+08:00

'While you yell at your girl, there’s a guy wishing he could whisper sweet things in her ear. While you humiliate your girl, insult her, offend her, and degrade her, there’s a guy who appreciates her and reminds her of what a great girl she is. While you hit your girl, there’s a guy wishing he could make love to her. While you make your girl cry, there’s a guy that is always making her smile. If you don’t take care of your girl, someone else will take care of her for you, and there’s nothing that you will be able to do if she ever decides to go with him and forget about you.'

xoxo,
Haziqah Jailani

2010-10-21T18:41:00.009+08:00

WHAT IF - TAE YEON

If I go, if I go closer to you
I wonder what you may think, I can’t drum up the courage

If you go, if you go away from me
It is scary to figure out how to let you go

Perhaps, the reason I only look at you, like a fool,
is for fear that you may turn your face away, and
you and I may drift further apart

Perhaps, the reason I can’t say ‘I love you’, like a fool,
is that I am afraid of the painful sad days of waiting after we meet.

If you come, if you come closer to me
I really don’t know what to do

Perhaps, the reason I only look at you, like a fool,
is for fear that you may turn your face away, and
you and I may drift further apart

Perhaps, the reason I can’t say ‘I love you’, like a fool,
is that I am afraid of the painful sad days of waiting after we meet.

Perhaps, the reason I can’t say ‘I love you’, like a fool,
is that I am afraid of the painful sad days of waiting after we meet.

I LOVE THE LIGHTS [Poxleitner]!

You may know her as the quirky, gorgeous singer who’s second album was released almost one year ago. It features amazing, fun, upbeat songs such as “Drive My Soul,” “February Air” and “Ice.” Honestly, the girl is just all around cool. The music is amazing.

Check her out,

She / He was my cat, not theirs.

2010-10-19T20:40:00.017+08:00

HAD BEEN MISSING ): I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. Gosh! I miss my cat :\

She died last September. I got her 13 years ago from my auntie. In exchange, I got 13 years of love. Always, she was there for me. But always, always, always, she was my cat first, my guardian and my mascot :'-D

Emotions will never lie

2010-10-12T21:09:00.005+08:00

So today has been kind of A Emotional Roller Coaster. I am very relieved, but still sad about this days previous events. and bummed that I'm still sick and this weekend has been a complete bore. Maybe I'm just PMS-ing! L-O-L!

There's something about these long nights that is been keeping me up lately. I believe it just gives me time to be alone and time away from everyone else. I'm overwhelmed. I feel like crap. I feel like I've lost a big part of myself. I'm going insane and I need some time away. I have a lot of things in mind at the moment just don't know how to put it in words people will understand. but goodness, way too much emotion going on right about now! Gzz!

Yesterday is in today as today will be tomorrow

2010-10-12T20:50:00.004+08:00

I loooooooooooooove my hair! I took this picture last Saturday after i got back from Stuff night and Teacher's Celebration at The Sutra Hall, Rizqun. - Thanks mom! You bring me at saloon again next time!

Sick of job.

2010-06-24T14:23:00.002+08:00

Im tired, sick and fed up of this job! I work in a line of clothing and its so-so-so much work I loathe as the people. Work puts me in a depressive state and makes me extremely moody. Hesh, banartah. inda lagi batah aku kan quit ni. 6 DAYS MORE LEFT LAGI!! Cant wait ): Im so sick of his attitude and Because this, I want to quit and I really want to find another job, seriously.

Whew.

2010-06-24T00:51:00.006+08:00

Anyone still out there? It feels like I've been gone for ages. Whew. I know I've disappeared from the blogging scene. HUEHUEEE BORING ):

2010-03-01T22:55:00.007+08:00

This is the first time I open my laptop and don't know want to do what.. I also don't know how to say my mood is BAD until like...... I also dont know how to say.. :( Maybe I need someone to talk to kali? :/

Long time no post - sorry :/

2010-02-20T22:42:00.002+08:00

Boo-yahh! I'm such a bad blogger and really sorry for my lack of update :( lately I've been so busy with my part time job. and I just had to take care of a few things but I'm back now :) haha. While I was away I've been thinking what to blog about............................................. I haven't really made any interesting hauls since I'm kinda broke lol.

Anyway, I wanted to write how empty my life feels this past few days :( gahh I'm just plain bored :( well hopefully I will feel better this weekend.

- BRB - (BRB with a new post really soon, promise :) )

Agenda - Hello Febuary!

2010-02-02T01:41:00.002+08:00

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! ;3

MAKE IT 17 CANDLES

2010-02-02T00:07:00.006+08:00

Really sorry for my lack of update :( I've been really lazy these days :/ and I really dont know what to blog about. ohh anyways, 31st January was Azrie's birthday and ME and boy did I have the most tiring but fun day! soooooooooooooooooo, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO ME AND AZRIE!:DDDD I can't believe it. I'm turning a year old. I want to thank God for giving me another year. :] Hopefully this will be a better year for me. Thanks to everyone who greeted me. I love you all! bobbaroo! Are You READY?!? because I'm about to annoy the shit out of you :P jk! To me, each birthday is significant, no matter if it is your sweet 16, 21st or 43rd birthday. It's another year alive and for that we should be grateful. I think it's easy to forget how special birthdays are especially as we get older. but just remember it's the one day of the year that's all about you. so why not celebrate? LOL!

P/s: I MISS MY BROTHER(ALLAHYARHAM EDDY ADY ADZYMIE), VERY VERY BAD :( MAY GOD BLESS YOU! AL-FATIHAH.

Expressions

2010-01-28T04:16:00.000+08:00

Ugh, random ramblings. I hate it when my mind has too much to say that my fingers can't type it all down and when it gets the chance, i ran out of things to say. Screw this-.-

I am not feeling good and feeling dead. Feel like writing so much and don’t even feel like writing it down in my diary and I know I need to. I wanna express every damn thing inside me but I know I won’t and I’ll never. Things so....... Hell!!!!!!! I wanna go somewhere far away and need a break from everything. It feels like something killing me inside. I wanna scream I wanna cry:/ I just feel like destructing everything. UGGGGGGGRH! negativity ruling my mind!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS

2010-01-27T01:01:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO AMAL, EVA, FADLIE AND SHAHREIN! May GOD bring you more years to come and keep you being beautiful and I hope your day was filled with love and presents!♥

.Alright dude, I just got back home from playing pool match with friends just now-.- For your information, There will be a Snooker Tournament on Sunday at 9am. So, I'll be there as a crowd of snooker supporters. And, there will be also a magic show at Ariri's studio in afternoon.and don't forget, it'll going to be a special day for me because its my birthday! HEHHE Imma go now, later.

Cant get it night today

2010-01-26T02:03:00.000+08:00

It is Monday night. I just really did not get it right today. BRGHHHHH, Nights suck!

LOVE HAPPENS

2010-01-25T23:51:00.000+08:00

It’s been a long time since I had someone in my life to miss. On the contrary, it has been by choice. The last thing i did, was , I caught up into a relationship with the wrong person. I decided to stop looking for the right ones. I just don’t do well with breakups. I think I may end up missing him permanently. I am tired of falling in love with the wrong men and I have stopped looking for the right ones :(

Urgh its raining here! I don't like deary gray rainy days. :( Gets a bit depressing after a while. Alright then, That's enough chatting for today._. I'll try to do better from now on and update this thing more often.

Agenda for this month

2010-01-25T23:08:00.000+08:00

HAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHH!.___________."

I think as time goes by, I started to hate you!

2010-01-25T19:21:00.000+08:00

Today, i will be blogging about people without common sense, just THOSE without common sense. Cause i SIMPLY DISLIKE PEOPLE WITHOUT COMMON SENSE!! that's totally very annoying.Common sense consists of what people in COMMON would agree on.
People without common sense isn't retard(hope you know what kind of retard i'm talking about), blur or even forgetful, they are people who don't use their brain!
so its sad, for those who dont have common sense. :) just dont offend me, and i'll be good to you. somehow, im MASKED, in terms of how i express my feelings. so,its not surprise to see me giving this sinful post. No names are mention in here. hopefully no offence. but if you felt offended, probably because you're guilty towards what you've did to me. Also, i dont want to reprimand you, because i know you wont like it. Moreover, you wont change for better. so, just leave it. so i wont waste my time nagging at you, just like an old lady. so, yeah! im fine :D May you please look at the mirror, and see who is that person you see, staring straight back at you. Hopefully when you saw that, you will ask yourself, who is inside of you. Arrrgh!

haha. Also, THANKS PKAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You understand right. This girl has been playing a rather significant part in my poly life, because she's always there, lending me her EARS!!! therefore, she'll always be updated! I'll feel extremely weird without her there, disturbing. No worries girl. You'll always be my NUMBER 1 crazy friend-.- haha. I shouldnt talk about her. if not, she gonna fly! AHHAHHAA. and, I shall end my post here. Gonna be stressed & carefree this weekend.